Another First

Isaac started daycare today. As I write this post, I’m sitting at Starbucks waiting for his two hours to be up. I’m filled with nerves. I feel like I’ve been preparing to take a test. Some of the same feelings are present – the pit of anxiety in my stomach, the GI issues (I won’t go into details), the restless sleep, the questions of readiness for both Isaac and me. I feel like I’m back at university again, but this time, the test feels a lot more important. I know that eventually he’ll be fine. He loves playing with other kids and the daycare we’ve chosen has a great reputation and sounds like it will be a lot of fun for him. But, I feel horrible leaving him without knowing whether he understands that I’ll be back. I know that all parents who put their children in daycare go through similar feelings. No one wants their child to feel distress. As I walked out that door today with Isaac crying in the background, I felt like my heart was being constricted. I just made it to the car before I started crying myself. I know his tears mean that he’s attached to me and that I should be forever grateful that we’ve been able to create this special bond. But, I can’t help but think back to how he started his life on this Earth. I never want him to feel like he’s being left again. That’s been my promise to him from the start and although I know this isn’t the same, it’s hard not to feel like I’m breaking my promise. I can only hope that when I go back to the daycare in 53 minutes now (I‘m obsessively counting the time), that I find my son playing with lots of new friends and complaining that he doesn’t want to leave. We’ve got two weeks to figure this all out before I’m back to work. Another first for us – two working parents. If I wasn’t quite ready for today’s first, I’m definitely not ready for that one...