Adoption: Those without patience need not apply

  I’ve never considered myself a patient person. Probably the only exception being my patients at work. By their very label “patient”, I guess I feel like when I’m working with them if they can be patient, so can I. Usually, my patients put things into perspective. My bad day is nowhere near as bad as theirs. So aside from direct patient care, I would not consider myself to be patient. I would generally label myself as impatient in most situations. Traffic brings be to madness. Slow meetings make me crazy. Waiting makes me frustrated. I’m usually horrible with surprises – I’m so excited for the surprise that it’s difficult for me to keep it a secret. I like an element of control to my life. I’m a planner, an organizer. I like things to go as expected and when they don’t it can be difficult for me. So, dealing with infertility and then adoption was and is a huge challenge for me. Aside from the emotional grief, it’s the loss of control and the waiting which has and continues to drive me to insanity at times. Sometimes life throws things your way and you think, “Okay, this is a test for me, a lesson”. Well, this experience has been a lesson in patience. I’m not sure I’d get a passing grade though.

  When we started our adoption process, one of the huge draws to the Zambia program was the lack of a waitlist. In my mind, I thought, “why would I choose a 3-4 year wait, when we could get this all wrapped up in a year?” The efficiency of it all appealed to me. And relative to the world of intercountry adoption, our adoption process has been fast. I guess that’s supposed to make me feel grateful or give me a sense of relief, and I’m sure once we’re home and I can look at this with objective eyes, I will realize that this was a relatively short period of time. However, in the moment, I fully admit that I’m struggling with the wait. Yes, we are here in Zambia and Isaac is with me which is beyond wonderful, but there are still things that we are waiting for. Paperwork, immigration, visas. I will give you some examples of situations that have brought me to tears and made me want to pull my hair out.

Example #1: Canadian Immigration

  After sending an email with questions to the lovely folks at Canadian Immigration, this is the response I received:

 Your message has been received by the Immigration Section in Pretoria, South Africa. Our Service Standard is to reply to routine enquiries within 30 days. Repeat enquiries within this time frame will not expedite a response.

30 Days!!! Deep breaths, find your center, focus on the positive. I couldn’t believe that it could take 30 days for a simple response to my questions. Then when it took more than 30 days and I had to email them again politely requesting an immediate response to my questions, my frustration level was through the roof. I really should be monitoring my blood pressure. I think when my mom kindly pours me a glass of wine at dinner or suggests that perhaps we should buy some gin to make afternoon gin and tonics that she realizes it’s perhaps been a bad day.

Example #2: The Zambian Immigration office on Cairo Road.

  First of all, to get to the immigration office, you must navigate Cairo Road. This is no easy feat. Once you have safely made it through the crazy traffic and have narrowly avoided hitting any number of pedestrians that questionably venture out into the road, you reach the parking area in front of the building. Cars here are double parked. There are parking attendants to help you locate a spot which is chaotic at best. I’ve had to politely decline some of the spots that they’ve offered as being way too small. I’m definitely getting used to driving on the left hand side of the road, but this area of the city definitely puts all my skills to the test. So, you arrive at the immigration office feeling slightly frazzled only to be met by the blank stare of the woman at reception. No amount of smiles or social niceties appear to be able to crack a smile from this woman. Every 30 days we go there to get a stamp on our passport for another 30 days. After 90 days in the country, you have to apply for a 3-month visiting permit. The last time I was there, I asked about this permit. The woman told me that yes, this is when I have to pay and then left it at that. It was only once I was back home and was speaking with Felix, our contact from the adoption agency who liaises with the social workers, that I was informed that in fact I needed to have picked up a form from the immigration office and that really I should be starting this process now because it’s a lengthy process. AHHHH! I was just there and despite asking about the permit I was not informed that I should be picking up a form. The next week, my mom went to the Immigration office to find out if her passport could be stamped early as we are going to be away next week when her 30 days expired. She also planned on picking up the form for me so that I could stay home with Isaac. Not only would they not stamp her passport telling her that she had to return in four days (still early, but I guess an acceptable level of earliness), but they would also not give her the form stating that they needed to see my passport. I’m unclear why it was not possible for them to give her the form when she clearly explained what was needed. It’s hard not to feel at times like the women at the immigration office are purposely trying to be unhelpful.

  When I first had to get my passport stamped I went to the old immigration office. I was informed there that that I needed to go to the new office on Cairo Road. After speaking with Felix, I had understood that this building was called “Patience House”. I almost laughed out loud when I heard this. What a perfect name for the building that houses immigration. I later found out that I had misheard my social worker and that it was actually called “Pension House”, however, to my mom and me, it will be forever known to us as “Patience House”. Do not enter without your patience. 

Example 3: Waiting for paperwork

  I’ve been waiting close to seven weeks now for the paperwork to be completed for our adoption. The complete paperwork will be sent to the courts and only once they’ve received it can we begin negotiating a final court date. Obviously, I am motivated to have this paperwork completed as quickly as possible in hopes that we will be able to get an early court date. I would hate to wait around for weeks for our court date after our fostering period has ended. Well, when we first started the paper work process, I was told by Felix that it would take 4 weeks. I started enquiring on how things were going after 3 weeks. I was told that 5 out of the 6 documents had already been completed and that they were just waiting for a report from the police. After the four weeks was up, I enquired again. At that point, I was told that they were waiting for some documents from the lawyer and that the police officer was still on leave but would be back by the end of the month (I had previously been told that he was already back at work). In the fifth week, I was told that my paperwork would be ready on Monday and that it would be dropped off by the social worker for editing. On the Monday, I sent several texts to our social work asking when she would be by. She later told me that she was in court and would come by on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and I still hadn’t heard from her. I called her multiple times and sent multiple texts asking when she would be by. In the evening, I texted her to say that I could come by her office on Wednesday afternoon, but could she just let me know on Wednesday morning what time would be convenient for her. I heard nothing from her all day until late in the afternoon when she texted to say that she was at a workshop, the paperwork wasn’t completed, but that she would be able to get it to me by Thursday next week. Again – AHHHH! I’m unclear why I was told that the paperwork was completed only to find out that in fact it wasn’t complete and would take another week to be done. I spoke with Felix who kindly came by the next day. He was worrying that I was “panicking”. Of course, I’m panicking! I want this paperwork done so that we can get our court date and I’m confused as to why I’ve been told that it’s complete only to find out that it isn’t. Felix sensing that the problem may have been one of computer access (I found out there’s only one computer for 10 social workers), very generously lent his personal laptop to the social worker so that she could complete our paperwork and asked that it be done on Tuesday. I was feeling such relief after our meeting and incredibly grateful to Felix for his efforts to move things along. So, I was feeling really positive that all would be done on Tuesday this week. Well, Tuesday rolled around and I was starting to get nervous when I hadn’t heard from our social worker by 11am. She later phoned me to let me know that she had to unexpectedly go out of town on business. She left on Monday and would be back on Friday. She told me to not be disappointed as the paperwork was complete. I tried my best to calmly explain that the papers still need to be sent to Markus before they go to the courts and that I was really hoping this could happen soon. She again assured me that in fact the papers were complete and that she would come by on Friday so that we could do the editing. Yesterday (Friday), I waited around all day from her. I texted her twice with no response. I finally heard from Felix at 8pm to tell me that the papers were complete. I will believe it when I’m holding them in my hands. And so we wait…. and wait…. and wait….

  I can only hope that I finally get to meet with our social worker on Monday and actually start the next step in this adoption process. I feel like this has been a thorough introduction to African time. I knew going in there would be delays, but I wasn’t expecting the confusion, lack of communication, and missed appointments. I’ve been reminded by our adoption agency that timelines here are fluid and that everything will come together in the end. I can only hope that we have similar ideas about when that endpoint should be.

  I know once I’m back in Vancouver with my beautiful son that I’ll be able to see the big picture in all of this. In the grand scheme of life, these months are but a blip in time. However, in the midst of it, I have to say I’m having a difficult time seeing the forest for the trees, especially when it feels like these trees have lots of branches blocking my way.

Looking forward to when I can see the forest.